How are you? Are you still using your laptop (Toshi)? Do you have a stable job now? Do you have your new cabinet for your new books now? Did you accomplished reading 100 books this year? Are you still a fan of showa idols? Did you keep your promise that you will STAY with SMAP? You just celebrated being their fan for 2 years. Have you written and finished more stories than last year? Are they published now or will they be published next year? How about your life this year? Is 2013 a better year than 2012?
As what you said before, a lot of things happened in 2012. I could say that it’s a 50/50 thing. Half good, half bad.
You were able to watch Kouhaku with your online friends even though you’re not together. You were able to watch 2011-2012 Johnny’s countdown too. You said you started the year with a bang and hoped that because you started it fangirling, the year 2012 will be nice to you.
You and your groupmates did your best to finish your thesis. I’m so happy that you defended it smoothly and your group's thesis ended up being a candidate for 'Best Thesis'. Then the best thing that happened in your life in 2012 is you finally graduated. No more school, no more 'feeling-major' minor subjects and terror and boring professors. But I know that deep inside, you miss school, or not really the school itself but your friends. You were able to survive those four years because of them.
You also met a lot of wonderful people in 2012 and lose communication with other people you met last 2011. Maybe it’s because you have different interests now but you know to yourself that you will never forget them, that you will always think about them and 'what went wrong'.
I’m so proud of you because you were able to write and finish three stories (novellas) last year. One of them got published and two were accepted, and maybe, will be published in 2013. (Were you able to see them?) I’m so happy that you finally accomplished something related to your dreams.
Then of course, you were able to fangirl hard on SMAP. I know that you will remember them for making you almost a hikikomori, making you stay up so late and for giving you all the feels in 2012. You cried so hard, you flailed so hard. I wonder why you’re still sane as you write this.
Is Nakai still hosting numerous tv shows? How about Kimura Takuya, did he star in a movie this 2013? Did Inagaki Goro finally imply that he's going to marry Kanno Miho? Do you still have romantic feelings for Kusanagi Tsuyoshi? (Do you feel embarrassed now that you suddenly remembered all your fantasies of him?) and finally, Katori Shingo, is he still your baby, is he still your number 1?
You flailed on your Showa idols too. Do you still love Toshi, Matchy, Yocchan, Go Hiromi, Momoe Yamaguchi (your queen), Nakamori Akina, Matsuda Seiko, Kawai Naoko and Masuda Mia? (Did I forget someone?)
About the other fandoms you have, I know you still haven’t forgotten them. You will always love them, especially Arashi.
Then comes the bad thing:
You spiraled down once again into depression. You contemplated suicide numerous times but I know you don’t want to die. You just want to end the pain. It was so hard for you. As you're writing this now, you’re in the brink of crying because it just hurts inside.
But I’m also so proud to say that you were able to fight off that negative feeling that has been telling you to just end it.
I wish you will continue living. I hope you will finally believe someday that you can be saved, that you can be happy, that depression is not really your home, that you can live the way you wanted to, no matter how hard it is to believe.
I hope when you’re reading all the bad things that happened here, you’re already strong and those things will not affect you and that you are already a happy and a healthy girl and you're able to meet more people and that you're still friends with the people you met in 2011 and 2012.
To the 22-year-old Miki,
How are you? Are you still using your laptop (Toshi)? Do you have a stable job now? Do you have your new cabinet for your new books now? Did you accomplished reading 100 books this year? Are you still a fan of showa idols? Did you keep your promise that you will STAY with SMAP? You just celebrated being their fan for 2 years. Have you written and finished more stories than last year? Are they published now or will they be published next year? How about your life this year? Is 2013 a better year than 2012?
As what you said before, a lot of things happened in 2012. I could say that it’s a 50/50 thing. Half good, half bad.
You were able to watch Kouhaku with your online friends even though you’re not together. You were able to watch 2011-2012 Johnny’s countdown too. You said you started the year with a bang and hoped that because you started it fangirling, the year 2012 will be nice to you.
You and your groupmates did your best to finish your thesis. I’m so happy that you defended it smoothly and your group's thesis ended up being a candidate for 'Best Thesis'. Then the best thing that happened in your life in 2012 is you finally graduated. No more school, no more 'feeling-major' minor subjects and terror and boring professors. But I know that deep inside, you miss school, or not really the school itself but your friends. You were able to survive those four years because of them.
You also met a lot of wonderful people in 2012 and lose communication with other people you met last 2011. Maybe it’s because you have different interests now but you know to yourself that you will never forget them, that you will always think about them and 'what went wrong'.
I’m so proud of you because you were able to write and finish three stories (novellas) last year. One of them got published and two were accepted, and maybe, will be published in 2013. (Were you able to see them?) I’m so happy that you finally accomplished something related to your dreams.
Then of course, you were able to fangirl hard on SMAP. I know that you will remember them for making you almost a hikikomori, making you stay up so late and for giving you all the feels in 2012. You cried so hard, you flailed so hard. I wonder why you’re still sane as you write this.
Is Nakai still hosting numerous tv shows? How about Kimura Takuya, did he star in a movie this 2013? Did Inagaki Goro finally imply that he's going to marry Kanno Miho? Do you still have romantic feelings for Kusanagi Tsuyoshi? (Do you feel embarrassed now that you suddenly remembered all your fantasies of him?) and finally, Katori Shingo, is he still your baby, is he still your number 1?
You flailed on your Showa idols too. Do you still love Toshi, Matchy, Yocchan, Go Hiromi, Momoe Yamaguchi (your queen), Nakamori Akina, Matsuda Seiko, Kawai Naoko and Masuda Mia? (Did I forget someone?)
About the other fandoms you have, I know you still haven’t forgotten them. You will always love them, especially Arashi.
Then comes the bad thing:
You spiraled down once again into depression. You contemplated suicide numerous times but I know you don’t want to die. You just want to end the pain. It was so hard for you. As you're writing this now, you’re in the brink of crying because it just hurts inside.
But I’m also so proud to say that you were able to fight off that negative feeling that has been telling you to just end it.
I wish you will continue living. I hope you will finally believe someday that you can be saved, that you can be happy, that depression is not really your home, that you can live the way you wanted to, no matter how hard it is to believe.
I hope when you’re reading all the bad things that happened here, you’re already strong and those things will not affect you and that you are already a happy and a healthy girl and you're able to meet more people and that you're still friends with the people you met in 2011 and 2012.
I love you, no matter how much you hate yourself.
Keep on smiling.